Alas I shall put my writing skills to the test alongside my fellow masters of the English/nerd language. With any luck, it shall not be made of fail, but rather win. Lots of win. I apologize in advance for the length. No, really. This is bloody long.
Tomorrow I embark upon a four hour journey to my band's next show, at the Lyric Theatre in Swift Current Saskatchewan (Saskatchewan being the barren province just nextdoor to mine). We're playing with Means, which my bandmates tell me are a pretty big deal. Being a metalhead I have no idea, but I'll take their word for it.
A few nights ago there was quite a bit of tension at band practice, and though I didn't realize it at the time, it really affected me quite deeply and brought about some ugly emotions I didn't know I had. See, we were just about to start, when Travis and Brandon said they weren't really wanting to practice until we sorted some things out. I assumed it was some minor show date issues or something of the like, but two hours or so of tense arguing later I wished I hadn't even gotten out of bed that morning.
Travis and Brandon opened by stating that we had all become prideful and were no longer even a Christian band anymore, but that we did everything for ourselves and had no ministry whatsoever. To say the least, that hurt a bit, because I had put every part of myself into the band for years and felt very proud of the progress we'd made. They said that all of our youtube videos, bios, and other media should be trashed and replaced with new ones that would always have mention of Jesus and prayer somewhere in them. I spent several hours on each and every one of those videos, and managed most of the content myself, so that was also difficult to take, especially since I had just finished the last one less than a week ago. They also said that we should no longer accept compliments after shows, but claim that it was all Jesus (difficult to take, since I practice 10-20 hours per week not even counting band practices).
Looking back, I can see that these were all good suggestions, but the delivery was extremely harsh. They repeated their distaste over and over again, despite my defense in saying that our videos should show who we really are and that we shouldn't be trying to show everyone what amazing Christians we must supposedly be. The worst part was that I was the only band member not in agreeance about the changes.
According to Travis, unless we could all come to an agreement (read: me change my mind), he "couldn't go on with the band".
That scared me, since the band is literally my focus in every day of my life. I've been in it for nearly three years now, and I've invested most of my time and money over those years.
To sum it all up, I was rattled more deeply than I thought possible. Sparing the details, the arguing was so subtle, so tense and loaded, it just really, really hurt. I tried to shrug it off, but couldn't even sleep that night. I laid awake in bed drifting in and out of conciousness while feeling threatened and panicked. It seemed as though the very core of my pride had been stabbed; I had never felt so defensive and hurt for such a long period that I could remember.
It may seem petty or insignificant, but as a person who rarely feels emotional about anything, I knew that a deep nerve had been hit. But even then I didn't realize how badly.
The next day I attended bible study as I usually do, and, to my amazement, shortly after had my entire faith in God in question. Not by anyone else, but by myself. The accusations I had faced in "band practice" the previous night had offended me so deeply, I was to the point of wanting nothing to do with Christianity anymore. I found myself silently hating every word the pastor spoke, accusing him in my mind of lying, of brainwashing, of decieving people.
I really, really started to understand and agree with everyone who had accused Christians of being hypocrites, brainwashers, and blind followers. It became clear to me that, depending on how you want to look at things, anything can seem to be entirely true or entirely a lie. How do we know the bible is God's word? Historical records and science definitly seem to point in that direction from what I've studied, but it really is a matter of faith.
I found it very disturbing to ponder the fact that anyone and everyone I know could be lying to me, about anything. Scary, is it not? That all we know is either learned from personal experience within the limitations and flaws of our own minds, or from the teachings of others who have experienced the exact same struggle.
So where is this all going, you may ask? Well, oddly enough, almost nowhere. Or into a whole new understanding, depending on what I do next.
See, immediately after the bible study, said pastor and long time friend of mine came up to me and asked me bluntly, "How are you and God doing?"
Right there, my pride and questioning completely dissolved. It was like having a huge fight with your mother as a child, telling her that you hate her, and then realizing one hour later how much you loved and needed her.
I realized God's love for me all over again. My ugly pride ceased to be my shield, and I felt humbled and reminded of who I was.
As of that time, I'm increasing my prayer at band practice, I'm reading my bible daily, and most importantly, I'm talking with God again and actually listening this time, because judging by the many years I've known him, he never lies.
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2 comments:
I know this isn't going to positively contribute to your current state of affairs with your band - but I strongly object to your bandmates' way of thinking. If Jesus is to blame for all the good things in your life, no matter how hard you works to earn them... does that also mean they're unwilling to face the consequences of their bad decisions? That everything they do wrong isn't their fault, but the Devil acting through them?
I believe it's appropriate to thank and love Jesus for miracles. Like surviving a catastrophic accident/collision. Or even for the strength you seek in him to live how you will. However, I remember reading that only the Devil acts through humans, so it'd only be appropriate to thank Satan or Lucifer (whichever you will) if you win a contest/adoration of fans when you didn't train for it. A world devoid of accountable humans is no better than a world without freedom.
But the things people are capable of - those are gifts we have. Given by God, or developed through evolution and all that other spooky evil science stuff. However, they aren't hand given. What we have is the option - the option to learn to play guitar, to play video games, to do wrong and to do right.
Also, I'd say put things into perspective a little. Does Jesus really care about your band? With men, women, and children starving, dying, being slaughtered about the world - is it really appropriate to think he's focusing on ... your music band? That when there's the threat of genocide still plaguing the world, he's going to sit down and say "Hey, music. That's been really effective. I'll handpick these guys, 'cause they pay so much more homage to me than those other guys." All the while Kanye West is "preaching" about how he's not only the #1 person in music, but, oh yes, Jesus himself.
But consider ignoring what I'm saying, if your band means that much to you. Truly, what matters here is what you want the bottom line to be. A cash-in band, or one with a purpose. As long as you and your bandmates agree on that, I think things are fine, are they not?
I believe you have the strength of will to face the world of industries and commit to a cause. I don't believe in God, nor Jesus, but I do believe in you, Invin. Hold your head up and face what comes your way.
Thank you for posting that, Invin.
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